It is a Good Friday and here I am alone at home, clearly the idea of reflecting about the last 36 years of my life on earth seemed to be the best thing to do while the freshly brushed and mopped clean vinyl tiles dry. But it is also daunting, I want to jump ship. Go find my niche since this thing where I am seem clearly not working out. Guess the five years stay should be enough, except looking back there seems to be a number of jumps, a number of clearly not working out. If not one reason then another, so the question again is do I jump? If I do where should I jump to? Do I just wait where I land or do I purposely jump onto the next building where I can easily plant my feet? So the next question would be, what is that building? What does it hold for me?

Yes it comes to a point where youth is no longer an acquaintance but a complete stranger with that big question mark on its face. Who are you? Where are you going? What do you want to do? If only that can be simply answered by “I am an intelligent, funny person who happens to like reading, watching TV and eating chocolates.” “I will go to Europe.” “I want to just laze around.” Except life is not made to be answered like that. 36 years and still lost. Still asking myself if there was anything waiting for me out there or am I just duping myself by having false hopes about a non-existent good fortune in the future?

When I was little I used to want to just have a mini library where I will keep all my books. Then by the time I turned 13 all I wanted to be was an artist, man how I love to draw and color. I was not that good to be called one but I thought if I have all the willpower and determination soon enough my works of art will grace the walls of someone. Then in college I heeded my parents’ advise and took up the nearest to Fine Arts but failed miserably so I thought of  following my dad’s footsteps and tried dabbling my hand in Economics. That was the time I realized I am not in love with Math and it too was not smitten at all with me. Then despite my initial reservations, I took up Journalism and tho I did not win any awards nor was recognized for creating magically woven words I fell in head over heels in love with writing and creating lay outs. I was so stubborn for the longest time, fighting tooth and nail for my bylines to be published but I was severely shot down by editors from the big dailies making me think writing may not be the path for me as well…Still I did my best in coming up with great lay outs using Pagemaker in the succeeding companies I worked for and was praised at the speed I can edit and lay out pages by my immediate sup. For a time I know where I can be my best yet the need fora greener pasture beckoned.  That was five years ago and the pasture has turned an ugly shade of grey, no telltale signs of life…

Sigh, the floor has dried and the future has not gotten any clearer. Maybe a little more brushing and dusting will do the trick.

  1. Anna D. says:

    Around eight years ago, your encouraging words (you probably don’t remember — it’s okay, lol) gave me the jumpstart I needed to try my hand at writing. So I did, but mostly within school publications. I was 1/4 a business student, and 3/4 a writer/editor. I blogged, too, for six years. It was stressful as hell, but it was fantastic! But then it stopped (told myself to grow out of it).

    Reading this now though, after sifting through FB updates and discovering this little gem, I’m starting to get that itch again. Hey maybe this is the second jumpstart I need. Maybe you give it a go again. =)

    • Been a long time since we last exchanged emails, thanks Anna. I needed this as well. maybe it is my right calling after all. If you are getting the jump start reading this blog then maybe this is just the nudge in the right direction that I sorely need. Hugs.

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